Unraveling

I really had a good feeling about this month at the beginning. All the shitty things happened last month and this month I am left with the residual stress. I have been an emotional wreck for weeks now. My dad and I got in our first argument since I have been living at home in which I turned into a petulant teenager, yelling and stomping around. It was a really magical moment for me. Luckily since I am not actually a petulant teenager I was able to put myself in a time out and think about the problem and come back with a reasonable solution instead of just writing in my diary about how much I hate my parents because they don't understand me. So I guess that's a win for adulthood.

I have accomplished nothing I set out to this month and I feel really shitty about that. I did try to write my essay for Partners in Health but like always I let things get in the way of finishing it. So the due date came and went. That was really dumb of me. I also haven't gotten back to any of the places I wanted to volunteer at. I am blaming most of that on work since my work hours do not at all coincide with the times I would be volunteering.

Which brings me to my next idea; quitting my job. I am so tired of the restaurant it is unreal. It's possible that I am feeling generally restless and it's not really my job's fault. It's just not at all what I want to be doing with my time. I'm trying to figure out a way I can just volunteer and baby sit which are things I actually enjoy. Today Sophia and I did the hokey pokey all afternoon and it was the best afternoon I've had since my birthday. I don't know if it's going to be economically feasible but I think I am going to go crazy if I keep working at the restaurant 5 days a week and going to school in the evenings.

I also need to get the fuck out of Portland. I want to go back to Haiti for spring break but that hasn't been worked out at all. So we'll see.

I'm now going to try and accomplish something. So many papers to write this week....

Thoughts on Valentine's Day and organization skills

So the new month has been mostly better but between the untimely death of my uncle and my birthday, i really haven't gotten then much done. I've been an organizational mess. Assignments keep popping up. I'm getting further behind in reading. Cover letters have not been worked on. And i continue to be terrified of what the future holds. I wish i had a crystal ball because i think if i could see what will happen i could relax now. I know that is unrealistic.

I find myself accidentally planning for a future i'm unsure of on a regular basis. I promised myself that i wouldn't let relationships and fear dictate my decisions but it seems to be happening in spite of that resolution. Granted, the decisions i'm making now are still better and more interesting than the stupid shit i did before. Not even stupid things, just really boring and lame. Giving up those 3 years of my life to be with someone who wasn't right for me. Giving up opportunities to go oversees, travel, go to school. All because i was so worried about being home when he was. Never leaving my cell phone anywhere because, God forbid, I might have missed a call. Going weeks without a call or email, staying glued to the news because what if something happened? Freaking out every time the province he was in came up on the news because that car bomb could have gone off under his truck. And waiting. And waiting. For that call. That email. That flight home. I made all those choices. I could have not done that. But i was young and in love so that's what I did.

As a result of that, I'm terrified to be in that place ever again. But I also believe that this is different, that this is right. That this is something worth all the days with no emails and all the weeks with no calls. Trying to plan my own life with someone else's in mind. It's hard for me not to, I'm a planner. Everything I do is planned weeks, months, in advance. I love planning. Which is something I appreciate very much in him, less planning, more doing. Even if it is a bit frustrating when I'm trying to figure out what to do for spring break. I just keep telling myself to breath and have faith. What's meant to be is meant to be and I just need to relax.

Again, this is not what I set out to write about. I set put to write about how in spite of the shittyness of January, writing in this blog did keep me sane and organized. I really did feel more accountable for completing my goals since they were written down. This month I will try to be more diligent.

These are the things I must get done this week:
Buy last two novels for book reports this term
Finalize baby shower plans and menu
Do readings for PHE 250 for the last 2 weeks
Run
Dance
Answer emails
Retry this whole volunteering thing

These are the things I got done last week:
Partied for my birthday
Took midterms
Sent out baby shower invites
Spent time with family

All good things but nothing really very useful... This week shall be different. I am now off to Powells to buy books. Only supposed to be buying 2 books. I'll try to stick with that...

A New Month!

January was shit. It just was. There was sickness, death, divorce and it rained like every fucking day. It was fucking awful. We will all continue to deal with the ramifications of January for quite some time, there is no way around that. I am reminded of everything that happened every single day and I think hopeful thoughts for those who joined me in having a shit January. But it is February now I just know it will be better. It has to be. I woke up on February 1st and felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.

I finally wanted to dace again at work which is something I never did in January but used to do all the time. There is nothing to brighten your spirits like rocking out on the Carlton dance while singing "It's Not Unusual" by Tom Jones. And I went for it this morning. From the moment I got to the bus stop to the moment I walked out the doors of work, I have been dancing my ass off. And it feels fabulous. Walking down the street rocking out to your own music is highly underrated. Who cares if you look different? Who cares if people think you are crazy? You know that you are have a fuckin' great time and that is all that matters. People who think you are weird are the ones who deeply wish they could be rocking out too. So just go for it. And dance. Trust me, it helps with everything in life.

And this is the month to dance and be merry. My birthday is in 5 days, Desmond's is in 13, Sophia's is in 2, Ian's is in 7 and my grandma's is at the end of the month. I was the first first Sophia invited to her 3rd birthday; I'm pretty popular with the 3 year old set. I'm taking her to see The Magic School Bus Live, which is a little selfish because I love TMSB and she does not yet know what it is. (But I think she'll live it a lot, I mean, who doesn't like Mrs. Frizzle??) Alisa's baby shower is happening! (Which means the baby is happening soon too!) I'm going to the Mt. Hood on my birthday to play in the snow!!!! I am so excited. There is so much to be excited about. Finishing internship applications, volunteering more, getting out and doing more things that are fun and cool. This month shall be good.

I guess I should discuss my goals for January. These are the things I did do:

• Drank less!
• Put effort into finding volunteer opportunities and internships.
• Used my planner
• Kept up on my reading and homework assignments

These are the things I did not do:

• Practice French
• Finish any applications
• Finish my outside reading books
• Pay my taxes/take my money back from the government

So I broke even kinda. It was a difficult month though, this one should be more productive. 

These are the things I want to add to my February goals list in addition to the things I did not do in January:

• Start running again! And don't be too hard on myself about it. Running a mile is still more than I am currently doing.
• Plan a fabulous baby shower with brunch and cocktails!
• Figure out how to write a grant!
• Dance. Always.

A coworker made me a CD with this song on it a long time ago. I don't have the CD any more but the song pops up on my Ipod at random times and always when I really need the message in it. The best part starts at 1:51 and just doesn't quit after that. Enjoy.

"I'mma open my eyes and take my time and make my life the way that I believe it should be"

(Original tracks are Sleepyhead - Passion Pits and The Dream - Collective Efforts)