So the new month has been mostly better but between the untimely death of my uncle and my birthday, i really haven't gotten then much done. I've been an organizational mess. Assignments keep popping up. I'm getting further behind in reading. Cover letters have not been worked on. And i continue to be terrified of what the future holds. I wish i had a crystal ball because i think if i could see what will happen i could relax now. I know that is unrealistic.
I find myself accidentally planning for a future i'm unsure of on a regular basis. I promised myself that i wouldn't let relationships and fear dictate my decisions but it seems to be happening in spite of that resolution. Granted, the decisions i'm making now are still better and more interesting than the stupid shit i did before. Not even stupid things, just really boring and lame. Giving up those 3 years of my life to be with someone who wasn't right for me. Giving up opportunities to go oversees, travel, go to school. All because i was so worried about being home when he was. Never leaving my cell phone anywhere because, God forbid, I might have missed a call. Going weeks without a call or email, staying glued to the news because what if something happened? Freaking out every time the province he was in came up on the news because that car bomb could have gone off under his truck. And waiting. And waiting. For that call. That email. That flight home. I made all those choices. I could have not done that. But i was young and in love so that's what I did.
As a result of that, I'm terrified to be in that place ever again. But I also believe that this is different, that this is right. That this is something worth all the days with no emails and all the weeks with no calls. Trying to plan my own life with someone else's in mind. It's hard for me not to, I'm a planner. Everything I do is planned weeks, months, in advance. I love planning. Which is something I appreciate very much in him, less planning, more doing. Even if it is a bit frustrating when I'm trying to figure out what to do for spring break. I just keep telling myself to breath and have faith. What's meant to be is meant to be and I just need to relax.
Again, this is not what I set out to write about. I set put to write about how in spite of the shittyness of January, writing in this blog did keep me sane and organized. I really did feel more accountable for completing my goals since they were written down. This month I will try to be more diligent.
These are the things I must get done this week:
Buy last two novels for book reports this term
Finalize baby shower plans and menu
Do readings for PHE 250 for the last 2 weeks
Run
Dance
Answer emails
Retry this whole volunteering thing
These are the things I got done last week:
Partied for my birthday
Took midterms
Sent out baby shower invites
Spent time with family
All good things but nothing really very useful... This week shall be different. I am now off to Powells to buy books. Only supposed to be buying 2 books. I'll try to stick with that...
I was always put off the things I wanted to do because I didn't think I was capable of doing them. Definitely my biggest regret. But I probably wouldn't have found Jeff if I'd gone off to the Peace Corps (or something similar), so it all worked out for the best :) I love that you know what you want, don't be afraid to reach for it. Everything else will fall in to place if it's meant to (and I believe it is!). Hope we can both make what's left of February a productive month!
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