5 mangos, 3 bottles of rum and a boat

It's been a country music kind of week. Yes, I know how that sounds. I used to make fun of country music relentlessly. An ex boyfriend loved it and I gave him shit every day for for it. I should apologize now... Except that he also cheated on me so I wont. Instead I'll re-listen to the country song about slashing a cheating ex boyfriend's tires. I never did that though, promise. But this has not been an angry country music kind of week or a sad country music kind of week, its been a sappy love song kind of week. An "its another rainy day and I miss the boy" kind of week. I'll be back in paradise in few months though... As long as I stop drinking and start saving money now...

 What I do have to finish now is writing about my last adventures in Haiti. I figure someday my children will want to know what I did there and I'll probably be too old to remember by that time so I should get it all down while its fresh in my mind. So where did I leave off? Leaving PaP? Must have been because life always gets better when you leave PaP... So in the earlyish afternoon (neither of us are very good at waking up early, we walked out of the "bad area" of PaP with giant backpacking packs strapped on. As if we didn't already stand out by being the only white people in a 5 mile radius (maybe an overstatement, but it does feel that way there). We grabbed some street food and tried to avoid the mud puddles cause by the downpour the night before. I'm sure many of the people reading this are familiar with mud puddle because you live in the Northwest. But you live in the US where even when there are big puddles where the rain wont drain on the side of the road. Unless you have been to a place with sewers meant for 1000 people somehow serving a million people, you have never seen or smelled mud puddles like these. Not something you want to go through with an open wound. Or open toed shoes. (On a side note, Haiti recently began construction on its first sewage treatment facility! Yay!)

Anyway, we hopped from one side of the street to another and found our way to a bus station to then go to another bus station. Even Reuben was occasionally unsure of where we were, luckily he didn't tell me that till later. We made it to the second station and after a minimal amount of time waiting on the bus we were on our way to.... Well, we weren't really sure. We wanted to go to the island of La Gonave but the only information the guide provided us with to get to the boat to go to the island was that the dock was about 50 meters past a small hotel on the beach. As soon as we saw the beach Reuben had the good sense to start looking for the hotel (I was just enjoying the view on the beach) and suddenly said "I think this is it! Merci, chauffeur!" With that, we jumped off the bus (me very awkwardly due to my giant bag) and walked across the road to what looked like a dock where, as luck would have it, a boat appeared to be loading passengers. At this point we still knew very little about the island; mainly what would be available there. Some said there were no cars, some said there were only cows, some said there were no store or places to stay.

Along the dock people were selling all sorts of things so we exchanged some money and bought 5 mangos, 4 packs of crackers and 3 bottles of rum. That seemed sufficient. We had a tent and full water bottles, what more could we need? We then jumped on the boat and sat on the upper deck in the sunshine along with 3 caskets and a wedding party. Reuben ate 2 of the mangos. It took nearly 2 hours to cross what looked like a short distance to land. I baked in the sunshine forgetting that I was still not tan enough to be outside with out sunscreen. My nose and part of my hair got pretty crispy... It was beautiful though; the exact picture of what everyone thinks the Caribbean is.

 When we got the shore, we had no idea where to go. It seemed like everyone was taking motos to town so we hopped on one and told him we were hungry. The driver proceeded to take us to what was for all intents and purposes, someones home. Hesitantly, we walked inside the house and asked if they were serving food. They made us rice and beans but I'm still not sure that this was an actual place to eat... The kids were running around pretending to smoke fake cigarettes which I suppose was to impress us? After finishing we decided to find the next most important thing, beer. We walked up what appeared to be the main road in town to the end and found a small bar and restaurant. Reuben told me later that he picked it because of the price of spaghetti advertised on the sign outside. I think he has an instinct for these things because that place was the key to our amazing trip. Inside a young guy, Jean, served us beer and spoke with Reuben in Creole. He spoke a bit of English but told us he was going to go get his dad who had lived in the states. Shortly, his father came in and told us his name was Sargent and he had lived in North Carolina, which was evident from his the accent he spoke english with. We chatted for a while and he asked us where we were staying. We told him we were going to pitch a tent somewhere which he told us was a very bad idea and that we would be staying at his house. For free. We offered to pay him, he said "No, you have to offer what you can when you can. You never know when you'll need something from someone else." Again, this is Haiti.

 I know what you read about Haiti, I read it too. I know how it all sounds there, dismal, ugly, mean. And yes, some of it is. But overwhelmingly, its not. It is full of people like Sargent and Ernst. So be skeptical. And go in with an open mind and an open heart and the good people will find you. The next part of the adventure next time!

The impossible is possible

It's been awhile. Life got busy. Really busy. I had a million papers and projects and activities to finish up very quickly last term because I did go to Haiti again for Spring break. It was the best trip ever. The stress leading up to it almost drove me insane but as soon as I got to the beautiful little hotel in Santo Domingo and saw Reuben there waiting for me, all the worries from the weeks before melted away. We had a lovely few days in Santo Domingo before heading to Anse Pitre where he is working with a reforestation project.
The project was interesting. Super hippie commune style which most people know isn't really my deal. I'm just not that into communes. And not having an actual bathroom. The people there were really nice though. I did feel like a serious outsider though. Probably just because I was there for such a short amount of time but I really didn't feel like I fit in there at all. And the project is sort of... strange. I don't really get their role in the community or only planting one kind of tree thing or the reforesting a natural desert part. Or the vegan-ness or the bucket toilet system. So yeah, it wasn't my thing.
Luckily, we could only spend a day there before heading to Port-au-Prince for a meeting with Reuben's friend Ernst. The trip there was long. And bumpy. And hot. But also beautiful for the time I was awake which wasn't a ton. We got into town near where Ernst lives just before sunset and a lovely woman showed us to Ernst's street in spite of the fact we knew where we were going. She was just so nice. I hope she is still doing well. Ernst's house is near the national palace which looks the same as it did the day after the earth quake over 2 years ago. Although I understand other things are a priority before rebuilding the palace, it would be nice to see Haitians working on it since it is such a symbol of the country.
Ernst's house is a nice apartment on the top floor of a three story building. There is a lovely porch out front which was a great place for people watching. There was also running water! A treat that I was ecstatic about after traveling all day. We met Ernst's son, Emanual, who was a little ball of energy. Three year olds are the same every where. Curious, energized, unlikely to listen to you and always finding some trouble to cause. I think he was especially wound up because his mother had had another baby just three days earlier. I couldn't believe the level of hospitality to let us stay at their house just days after the baby had been born and I'm sure his wife was still exhausted. But that's just how they role in Haiti; unending hospitality.
The next day we went to the meeting which hopefully went well. It was to get funding and other connections for Ernst's schools in his home village. If anyone reading this has any interest in getting involved with schools in Haiti, Ernst is a great man with big dreams from his home village. He is deeply committed to education for all children and continuing education for adults. He works extraordinarily hard for his family and community but needs some outside funding for his schools. So contact me if those things are appealing to you!
We stayed another night in PaP and then got on the road to our main adventure: going to La Gonave, the island in the middle of the bay in Haiti... More on that adventure in my next post which, yes, I will actually complete in a timely manner.

On a separate note, I have been reading different articles about Haiti for my global health class and they are all negative. Every single article I have read has talked about what is wrong there, how unhealthy people are, the quantity of orphans, the general failure of aid money. Can no one report on anything good in Haiti? For God sake the place is not that bad. Yes, there is poverty. Yes, there are sad things. But there is hope. There is beauty. Someone report on those things. And make the article longer than a paragraph, because there is enough hope and beauty there to fill a whole newspaper.

Unraveling

I really had a good feeling about this month at the beginning. All the shitty things happened last month and this month I am left with the residual stress. I have been an emotional wreck for weeks now. My dad and I got in our first argument since I have been living at home in which I turned into a petulant teenager, yelling and stomping around. It was a really magical moment for me. Luckily since I am not actually a petulant teenager I was able to put myself in a time out and think about the problem and come back with a reasonable solution instead of just writing in my diary about how much I hate my parents because they don't understand me. So I guess that's a win for adulthood.

I have accomplished nothing I set out to this month and I feel really shitty about that. I did try to write my essay for Partners in Health but like always I let things get in the way of finishing it. So the due date came and went. That was really dumb of me. I also haven't gotten back to any of the places I wanted to volunteer at. I am blaming most of that on work since my work hours do not at all coincide with the times I would be volunteering.

Which brings me to my next idea; quitting my job. I am so tired of the restaurant it is unreal. It's possible that I am feeling generally restless and it's not really my job's fault. It's just not at all what I want to be doing with my time. I'm trying to figure out a way I can just volunteer and baby sit which are things I actually enjoy. Today Sophia and I did the hokey pokey all afternoon and it was the best afternoon I've had since my birthday. I don't know if it's going to be economically feasible but I think I am going to go crazy if I keep working at the restaurant 5 days a week and going to school in the evenings.

I also need to get the fuck out of Portland. I want to go back to Haiti for spring break but that hasn't been worked out at all. So we'll see.

I'm now going to try and accomplish something. So many papers to write this week....

Thoughts on Valentine's Day and organization skills

So the new month has been mostly better but between the untimely death of my uncle and my birthday, i really haven't gotten then much done. I've been an organizational mess. Assignments keep popping up. I'm getting further behind in reading. Cover letters have not been worked on. And i continue to be terrified of what the future holds. I wish i had a crystal ball because i think if i could see what will happen i could relax now. I know that is unrealistic.

I find myself accidentally planning for a future i'm unsure of on a regular basis. I promised myself that i wouldn't let relationships and fear dictate my decisions but it seems to be happening in spite of that resolution. Granted, the decisions i'm making now are still better and more interesting than the stupid shit i did before. Not even stupid things, just really boring and lame. Giving up those 3 years of my life to be with someone who wasn't right for me. Giving up opportunities to go oversees, travel, go to school. All because i was so worried about being home when he was. Never leaving my cell phone anywhere because, God forbid, I might have missed a call. Going weeks without a call or email, staying glued to the news because what if something happened? Freaking out every time the province he was in came up on the news because that car bomb could have gone off under his truck. And waiting. And waiting. For that call. That email. That flight home. I made all those choices. I could have not done that. But i was young and in love so that's what I did.

As a result of that, I'm terrified to be in that place ever again. But I also believe that this is different, that this is right. That this is something worth all the days with no emails and all the weeks with no calls. Trying to plan my own life with someone else's in mind. It's hard for me not to, I'm a planner. Everything I do is planned weeks, months, in advance. I love planning. Which is something I appreciate very much in him, less planning, more doing. Even if it is a bit frustrating when I'm trying to figure out what to do for spring break. I just keep telling myself to breath and have faith. What's meant to be is meant to be and I just need to relax.

Again, this is not what I set out to write about. I set put to write about how in spite of the shittyness of January, writing in this blog did keep me sane and organized. I really did feel more accountable for completing my goals since they were written down. This month I will try to be more diligent.

These are the things I must get done this week:
Buy last two novels for book reports this term
Finalize baby shower plans and menu
Do readings for PHE 250 for the last 2 weeks
Run
Dance
Answer emails
Retry this whole volunteering thing

These are the things I got done last week:
Partied for my birthday
Took midterms
Sent out baby shower invites
Spent time with family

All good things but nothing really very useful... This week shall be different. I am now off to Powells to buy books. Only supposed to be buying 2 books. I'll try to stick with that...

A New Month!

January was shit. It just was. There was sickness, death, divorce and it rained like every fucking day. It was fucking awful. We will all continue to deal with the ramifications of January for quite some time, there is no way around that. I am reminded of everything that happened every single day and I think hopeful thoughts for those who joined me in having a shit January. But it is February now I just know it will be better. It has to be. I woke up on February 1st and felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.

I finally wanted to dace again at work which is something I never did in January but used to do all the time. There is nothing to brighten your spirits like rocking out on the Carlton dance while singing "It's Not Unusual" by Tom Jones. And I went for it this morning. From the moment I got to the bus stop to the moment I walked out the doors of work, I have been dancing my ass off. And it feels fabulous. Walking down the street rocking out to your own music is highly underrated. Who cares if you look different? Who cares if people think you are crazy? You know that you are have a fuckin' great time and that is all that matters. People who think you are weird are the ones who deeply wish they could be rocking out too. So just go for it. And dance. Trust me, it helps with everything in life.

And this is the month to dance and be merry. My birthday is in 5 days, Desmond's is in 13, Sophia's is in 2, Ian's is in 7 and my grandma's is at the end of the month. I was the first first Sophia invited to her 3rd birthday; I'm pretty popular with the 3 year old set. I'm taking her to see The Magic School Bus Live, which is a little selfish because I love TMSB and she does not yet know what it is. (But I think she'll live it a lot, I mean, who doesn't like Mrs. Frizzle??) Alisa's baby shower is happening! (Which means the baby is happening soon too!) I'm going to the Mt. Hood on my birthday to play in the snow!!!! I am so excited. There is so much to be excited about. Finishing internship applications, volunteering more, getting out and doing more things that are fun and cool. This month shall be good.

I guess I should discuss my goals for January. These are the things I did do:

• Drank less!
• Put effort into finding volunteer opportunities and internships.
• Used my planner
• Kept up on my reading and homework assignments

These are the things I did not do:

• Practice French
• Finish any applications
• Finish my outside reading books
• Pay my taxes/take my money back from the government

So I broke even kinda. It was a difficult month though, this one should be more productive. 

These are the things I want to add to my February goals list in addition to the things I did not do in January:

• Start running again! And don't be too hard on myself about it. Running a mile is still more than I am currently doing.
• Plan a fabulous baby shower with brunch and cocktails!
• Figure out how to write a grant!
• Dance. Always.

A coworker made me a CD with this song on it a long time ago. I don't have the CD any more but the song pops up on my Ipod at random times and always when I really need the message in it. The best part starts at 1:51 and just doesn't quit after that. Enjoy.

"I'mma open my eyes and take my time and make my life the way that I believe it should be"

(Original tracks are Sleepyhead - Passion Pits and The Dream - Collective Efforts)

The Realization

Last term was not good for me. I have never performed so poorly in my academic career. There were a lot of things going on for me that I was not able to deal with in a productive way and I ended up spending most of my time drinking, partying and sleeping through class. First of all my roommate of 5 years and close friends of 8 years was pregnant. Obviously this was a big fucking deal for her but it also had implications for my life. Clearly, I had to find a new place to live. So I moved into my coworker and friends house for 2 months. It was great, I loved living with them and their daughter but obviously it wasn't long term. In lieu of any other plan, I moved home. It was 2 months of moving and cleaning while trying to start a new term of school and it was fucking stressful physically and emotionally. I felt like I was dealing with everything by myself (even though I know this isn't true). I also felt like I had to do everything Alisa couldn't to because she was pregnant. This was the unhealthy part of my year of saying yes to things. I said yes to dumb things like getting drunk even though I had class in the morning. Yes to afternoon mimosas instead of afternoon study sessions. Yes to a whole range of things I wouldn't have ordinarily done. Some things turned out well; I said yes to going to LA for a week and ended up meeting the boy which was awesome. I said yes to hanging out with my friends all the time so I feel like I got closer to a lot of people. I said yes to adventure Mondays which are so much fun! But there were plenty of things that suffered. My grades plummeted, I finally looked at my grades tonight and I got an A-, D and F. I've never failed anything in my life. The bigger down side to this is that unless I can be really creative and spend a lot of time convincing various advisers of things, I may have tacked on another term to my academic careers. Rad. My liver suffered. My bank account suffered. My good judgement suffered and put me in some questionable situations. Basically, I was not good to myself and forgot to think about the long term ramifications of my decisions.

Now I feel like I am back on track. I remembered what I am working for. And now I have to work even harder to get there. The upside is I am feeling emotionally healthier and happier. I am waking up in the morning and getting shit done. Even though I have spent all of January sick or injured, I am still doing better than I was in the fall. I am getting better at using self restraint and not getting belligerently drunk. I look forward to waking up without a hangover more than I look forward to partying. I am reading more and doing more of the things I feel make me, me. Which is great. Although running my transcript reports was slightly saddening, at least I can be realistic about myself and my goals. And even though I'm going to do everything I can to graduate in the spring of 2013, maybe graduating in the summer of 2013 isn't the worst thing in the world.

These are the things I have done this weekend:

• Actually wrote & posted the required online responses for my 250 class. (I never do online responses, required or not, so this is big)
• Ran my transcript report
• Applied to volunteer with the Red Cross & Impact Northwest
• Wrote the first of two essays for the Partners in Health application
• Did a ton of reading for all my classes
• Attempted again to get my French book back
• Penciled out the financing of a 2 week study abroad program in Nicaragua

These are the things I need to get done this week:

• COVER LETTERS (yes, I am putting them off as long as possible. Which is dumb.)
• Make an appointment with the career center. 
• Finish The Resilient Child
• Get next set of books from Kim
• Do something outdoorsy
• Stop being sick

This story made me realize that I spent too long in the waiting place and that nothing will even happen there. So I leave you all with this video which made me happy, inspired and want to go to Burning Man.

<3

The line between help & handouts

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the difficulties of developing countries that I forget poverty and hunger can happen in the U.S. too. And on a similar level. We watched a movie about Camden, NJ in my child health class on Tuesday and I left with my heart broken for a whole new set of kids. At the time of filming, 2005-2006, Camden was the poorest city in the country with some of the highest crime rates.  It was rated the most dangerous city in the US in 2009 and has been in the top ten most dangerous cities for the last ten years. While the population is just under 80,000 according to the 2000 census, there were 30 murders in 2005. (For some perspective, Portland has around 2,260,000 residents and there were 28 murders in 2005.) And these children see it all. Family members murdered, parents in jail, needles covering the public parks, daily food insecurity and overwhelmingly unstable and dangerous living situations. It was horrific to watch. I find it so easy to push those things out of my mind on a daily basis since there is so little I feel I can do from here. What would really help these kids? After the show aired on 20/20, people from all over the US sent clothes, toys, and books to give to the kids. They set up college funds for a few of them and a housing trust for one family. Extreme Home Makeover even build one family a new home. It all sounds great! We can all pat ourselves on the back for helping, right? But what will a college fund do if the child doesn't have enough family and community support to graduate from high school? And what will a housing trust do when the money runs out? Where will that family go then? All the toys in the world can't change a family in which the mom has a 9th grade reading level, the dad is in jail and they don't know where their next meal will come from. So I find myself at this line between help and handouts. Help being something that will effect long term change that will redirect the trajectory of the community. Handouts being things that are essentially band aids to a larger problem. And there is always a larger problem.

And then I think of a line from the Constant Gardener: "But these are people we can help." When is it better to focus on the little things you can do to help a family or an individual. Like giving out toys. Or giving them a ride home. Or a small part as an extra in a movie (which did happen in the 20/20 special). How do you make those choices? When is it better to address the end of the problem and not the beginning because you feel like the beginning of the problem is too big and too many steps back?

Delving back into developing countries, I am reading this book about health co-ops in Uganda and it is amazing. I talked about it a bit in my first blog post but I've read more now and it is again changing my perspective. The health care co-ops were a originally a product of the Land O' Lakes dairy c-oop in the mid-western US. The dairy co-op decided it needed a better way to get healthcare for dairy workers and the workers needed more control over and connection with their health care. Using the co-op form, they created HealthPartners a locally owned and operated health care co-op. The dairy farmers were better able to negotiate drugs prices and premiums and keep the administrative costs incredibly low. In this time Land O' Lakes had been asked to go to villages in Uganda to help dairy farmers set up co-ops similar to those in the US. They were amazingly successful. Forming a co-op allowed the Ugandan farmers to pool their resources for veterinary care for their livestock and negotiate fair market prices for the milk their cattle produced. The most important part of the co-op was that the Ugandan people ran them. The Land O' Lakes people came in for advise and direction, not to run the program for the people.

After the success of the dairy co-op, HealthPartners was approached by one of co-ops in Uganda about starting a health co-op. HealthPartners was hesitant because it was a huge long-term commitment and they didn't want to give the people false hope but they sent a team down to do research and find out if starting a health coop was even feasible. In Uganda HealthPartners held meetings with the dairy coops and towns to see the interest level in a health coop and to gauge the commitment of the people. The Ugandans had a high level of commitment as long as the Americans weren't giving false promises so HealthPartners decided it would be doable. It wasn't fast or easy but using the dairy co-ops as a natural place to start health co-ops, HealthPartners began advising the dairy farmers on ways to begin organizing. Again the most important part of these co-ops was being self-sustained, self-supported, and long-term. The goal was for no one from the US to have any position in the Ugandan health care co-ops aside from providing advise and direction. Because these co-ops were community based, each community where a co-op was started had their own meetings and voting process to come up with guidelines and regulations for their co-op. This meant the community had to decide on everything from premiums to what was covered to what constituted a family. There were issues unique to Uganda like the fact you can't bill people for services there and there were issues which are faced in the US like how many children do you cover in a plan before you have to pay an extra premium. The book is fairly technical in explaining how they worked out all of these issues but the point is, they changed a system. They didn't just pay for one families health care. And they didn't give handouts. As painful as it was to not just purchase an x-ray machine for the clinic one co-op ended up building, if HealthPartners had, they wouldn't have been sticking by the principal of the clinics being self supportive. I appreciate that attitude in many ways.
Then the Paul Farmer side of me jumps in and would beg, barrow or steal an x-ray machine for a clinic in Haiti because those are the people I can help.

I find the HealthPartners model to be fascinating and clearly more sustainable then many programs since their main goal is to let the Ugandan people make their own choices. At least from what I saw of being in Haiti and seeing so many aid organizations, it seems that these organizations eventually get stuck in a rut. When you go into Haiti, especially after the earthquake, you see need in almost every direction. Your organization shows up there wanting to say, feed the displaced families. So great you ship in some imported rice and chicken and feed some people. And then you are there for a few months and get involved in the community and realize they really need homes. So you build some houses. And then you realize they need schools. So you build some schools. And then you see they need clean drinking water so you build a well. And then you can't stop looking for need. And you can't leave because you are an aid organization and in order to get donors to keep money coming in to pay employees and administration costs you have to show you are doing things. And there is nothing donors like more than seeing there money go into a school or an orphanage. So you keep doing these things and pretty soon, even though you had the best of intentions when you got there, you are stuck in this cycle. In the mean time, nothing in the community has changed. Yes, it is important people are fed and have clean water and homes and schools. But it is more important the community can do it themselves. And has the confidence to do it themselves. Every aid organization's goal should be to become obsolete. To get in, teach a community to form a dairy co-op or a health care co-op or sustainable farming practices and then LEAVE. You have to leave. And I don't mean leave as in abandon, I mean leave the work for the people and be available for further advice and direction.  Believe me, I would be over the moon if I could spend the rest of my life living and working in Haiti. But do I want it to be because the community I am in can't do what I am doing themselves? No.

There are a thousand more things I want to say on these lines but this post is probably already long enough and I feel like I should make some attempt to list my goals for the week.

• Finish The Resilient Child
• Call Alisa's mom to plan the day for the baby shower!
• Make an appointment with the career center
• Write cover letters (yes, I have been putting it off)
• Finish online homework on Saturday so I can have a free Sunday and not feel guilty

More attainable goals. Also 3rd season of Archer premiers tonight. And that's how you get ants.

Realities & Adventures

This weekend was not as productive as expected. Although I did write my resume and get some reading done, I had planned on a lot more. This cover letter thing is more intimidating than I thought. I feel like I need to learn more about the organizations I'm applying to before I start writing a cover letter to them. So more research this week I guess. This week is pretty easy class wise so I can probably fit more research time in.

This week has also been really real. A somewhat startling realization to count your blessings everyday. First of all a close friend is going through a divorce which is something really foreign to me. I've only had a few friends whose parents are going through a divorce much less knowing someone who actually is. Also I'm really awkward about talking to people about negative things happening in their lives. I wish it was something I was better at but in my family we tend to just ignore negative things till the go away. Or just spend a lot of time denying anything negative is happening. Ostrich family is what I call it. In any case, I am shitty at being helpful in this situation. I can't even imagine what it feels like to deal with a divorce. Never mind the emotional side, just the financial side is terrifying. Even when the individuals are amicable, there still seems to be a sense of both parties are going through this alone. It can't be easy going from making decisions together for X amount of year to suddenly having to rely on only your judgement and instincts for every choice. Especially since my parents are still together I rarely think of divorce as a reality some people are faced with. As I'm sure everyone does (aside from Kim Kardashian maybe) when I think of marriage, I don't think of it as something that ends, ever. It's one of the few things in life I generally have faith will last a lifetime. Clearly that is not always the case. I know there is nothing to do but be there for my friend and offer whatever support I can, I just wish there was a way to know the right thing to do without having to ask...

The next thing that happened was a very close friend lost her mother. Yet another thing I have no idea how to be helpful with. We are not nearly old enough to be losing parents. Again I wish I knew how to be the most helpful. Do people still bring the family dinner? Like can I make lasagna and bring it over, or is that weird?

These type of things always make me examine my own life a little more closely. Do I tell the people I love that I love them everyday? Do I make sure my friends and family feel as though I care about them as much as I do? Who have I blown off seeing to take a nap or play video games and why? I know a person can't be prepared for any of the awful situations in life, but is there a way to make somethings easier later?

Dylan and Justin in Narnia

On a brighter note, Adventure Monday was a resounding success. Justin and I started doing hikes and activities on Mondays after work a while back so we dubbed it "Adventure Mondays." In the fall it was easier to do hikes but now it gets dark to early so we've had to figure out other things to do. Dylan joined us this week and we started off by playing wiffle ball at the elementary school near my house which was awesome! I have very little sports capabilities so I was surprise at how fun it was to hit a ball around. This is a new Monday must... Then off to Rocky Butte to see the snow fall. Here are the lovely photos! I think it looked like Narnia.

Narnia!

City lights

I made a salt and pepper heart!

Then we went to Dyaln's house for a bit to drink some beer. We ended up making the wiffle ball Axis of Evil. Not real sure how it started but things got pretty.... well... something... Lastly we went to the Kennedy School for some late night snacks. I can sit still at a table so I entertained myself by making shapes in the salt and pepper. Yeah, I'm like 8 years old at heart...



Today started out excellently. Was woken with Archer's voice saying "Hi, it's the 1930's! Can we have our words and clothes and shitty airplane back? Call you back, 1930's. And hey, watch out for that Adolf Hitler. He's a bad egg!" Yeah that's my phone's ringtone. And who was calling, you may ask? Why it was the boy calling from Haiti! Kind of Haiti. Technically from the Dominican like ten minutes away from the border with Haiti but Haiti sounds better. Made my day so cool. And sad a little just because I miss him. But it was awesome to finally get to chat for a while. He's so happy there. It is so awesome. Wish I could just get on a plane and fly there tomorrow! Instead I need to stop writing this and walk through the slushy rain to get to class. Just have to keep reminding myself I'll get back to Haiti eventually!! 

If you ain't runnin' wit it, run from it, motherfucka

So I find Lil Wayne semi-inspirational. That's ok, right? I can be a productive member of society and my favorite playlist can still consist of Sean Paul, Rihanna, Lil Wayne, Drake and Wiz Khalifa, right? Often I feel like everyone else enjoys listening to "good music" and I just love shitty pop & rap and there is some sort of problem with that. I enjoy listening to other people's music and hearing stuff I've never heard before but at the end of the day, I just want to listen to some fuckin' RiRi. Maybe it is just living Portland that I feel especially judged for this fact. Thank god I have Alex in my life to dance and bond over Rihanna with.

Again, this is not what I set out to write about. I set out to write about Beyonce. This is at the request of Frico Kidd. He finds it important that the world (or at least the people reading this blog) know that Beyonce worships the devil. Or is the devil. Or possibly her child is the devil. Or is just evil. I'm not actually 100% on the issue. The point is, there are indicators to this... problem... She wore a t-shirt with a pentagram on it, a ring with something on it that was reported as looking like the devil (but actually looked more like a goat) and one of her songs which is recorded backwards when played forwards is actually her praising the devil. Or  is the devil speaking. Or is the devil's voice coming through her. Also her child's name, when rearranged, spells something devil like. Clearly, these are the facts. And the facts do not lie. This is something we all need to be concerned about. The Mayans did predict this is the year the world ends. Maybe it is Beyonce's doing. Or her child's doing. Or even Jay-Z's doing. The point is, watch out for Beyonce. And her child. And Jay-Z. And probably Destiny's Child as well.

On a totally unrelated, non-musical note, these are the things I did this week:

• Wrote my resume! It is passable as a professional document.
• Did not get drunk at Claire's birthday. And still had fun.
• Finally had lunch with Alisa to talk about the beebee shower!
• Started reading the book for for my child class.
• Read about writing a cover letter. What a weird thing...
• Did not download more time wasting apps.
• Finished taking all my antibiotics! 

These are the I have not done:

• Practice French. The individual whose car my French book is in has not yet left it on my front porch, as requested. If you are reading this, please do so soon. I have goals. 
• Actually applied to the internships I've found. I realized I should go to the career center and have them look over my resume and cover letters before turning them in. Re-evaluating goals is important.

These are the things I plan to do tomorrow before my week is technically over:

• Go for a hike. Snow is in the forecast so a hike may not be possible but Justin and I agreed to at least do something outdoorsy.
• Run a DARS report. I am dreading it since I failed a class last term (for the first time EVER) and I can't bear to look at the damage to my GPA.
• Brain storm for internship essays. Damn Paul Farmer and Bill Clinton for making me think on the weekends. 
• Make something for Sunday dinner for the first time in months. 

Hopefully reasonable things to do on a Sunday and considering it is Saturday night and I am at home listening to Drake, drinking a diet coke and getting ready for bed, I will probably have plenty of time to complete all tasks tomorrow. I am kinda liking this new lifestyle... 

"Resumes will not frighten me" & other mantras of the week

My classes this term are pretty awesome. One is on health promotion programs for children, one is public nutrition/health program creation, and the other is a base level required class on what public health is. Admittedly I was not excited about the what is public health class because I generally hate classes under the 300 level and all of the idiots in them. I have been pleasantly surprised with how useful this class has been so far. Our first guest speaker came in to talk to us about resume and cover letter writing and our first assignment is to write a mock resume for a job in the public health field. My fears of being under-qualified for things is slowly evaporating. I thought my resume had to be a lot more informative and experienced filled than it really has to be. I am starting to believe I actually have done enough things to qualify me for at least the internships I am looking into, which is a good start. And the cover letter just seems practical and a good chance for a potential employer to get to know you a big better. Not scary at all. This is something they should teach you in high school. Life skills. Hella practical, right?

So this weekend is resume writing for the 6 internships I'm looking into for the summer. 1 is in Portland, 2 are in Haiti, 2 are in DC,1 is in North Carolina and 1 (the dream one) is in Boston. I hate thinking of moving to the east coast. It sounds so gross to me. But one thing at a time. My dream internship is with Partners in Health. For those of you who don't know (and maybe we shouldn't be friends anymore if you don't know this), Partners in Health is Paul Farmer's organization. For those of you who don't know who Paul Farmer is you should stop reading immediately, google "Paul Farmer" and "Mountains Beyond Mountains," read everything about him and purchase and read the book and then resume reading my blog. And then maybe we can be friends again. I read MBM my junior year of high school and I've been hooked on Haiti ever since. It was like everything Farmer did and said made more sense to me than breathing. How one would live their life any other way was baffling to me. I fell in love with a country I had never been to or even knew anyone from. All I knew is that I had to get there. So I spent the next six years reading everything I could about Haiti and  all of Farmer's books. (His books are amazing and inspiring but also pretty technical so I will not judge you for not reading them unless you want to work in Haiti in the public health field. In which case you should go read them all tomorrow.)
And then, two years ago yesterday, the earth quake happened. Initially, I didn't know about the earthquake. I was taking that year off from school and had disconnected myself from a lot of things I previously loved, Haiti being one of them. I found out about the earthquake via a text from my mom the day after it happened. I was shocked and devastated for Haiti but felt that there was very little I could do. A coworker found out about All Hands (HODR at the time) and decided to go to Haiti to work with them. She wanted me to come to but at that time I was still making excuses for not doing anything interesting so I didn't go. But I starting reading about Haiti again and raising money for earthquake relief through Mercy Corps. (You should still all give money through Mercy Corps. They do really awesome work around the world.)
In November of 2010, just after starting classes again, I was looking through my coworkers pictures of Haiti and thought, "I can go there. I can do that." So I applied with All Hands to go. The day I got the email accepting me to go in March of 2011 was the happiest day of my life. And it was the best time I've ever had. I met the most amazing people whom I am still friend with, saw the most beautiful sights I've ever seen, drank the best beer ever, and took the most amazing bucket showers under the sunset. It was everything I'd hoped it would be and more. I knew it was the place I was supposed to be.
The only downside was not knowing when I'd be able to go back. Although with All Hands you don't have to pay for room and board, the plane tickets there were expensive. Especially since I was a college student living on my own and paying for school myself. Through a series of random events including me getting a tattoo, a random email, my roommate getting pregnant, a trip to LA, meeting the boy and finding out he was going to Haiti,  and a text message from my mom saying All Hands was looking for volunteers again, I ended up getting to go back. Life, God, whatever, seems to be directing me to a very specific place. The things I want (truly and deeply want, not just new-pair-of-shoes want) seem to keep manifesting themselves at exactly the right time. Writing about how this has all happened over the course of eight years is filling me with this feeling of being insanely lucky and insanely happy now. For all of the little ups and downs life throws at me everyday, I am so blessed. Some things are just meant to be.

Now I have to take a moment to address the role my mother has played in all this. My mom is a quietly amazing woman and mother. It has taken me a while realize all she has done for me but I would not be even close to where I am today with out her support. Every time I have an interest or new passion, she is the first one on board. She is getting signs up for e-mails from groups I'm interested in, clips articles for me that relate to things I've been talking about, donates money to organizations I take an interest in, and sends me text messages and updates about all of it. I wouldn't have ended up going to Haiti this last time if it weren't for her email. My mom is awesome. And I don't think I tell her that enough.

This is not at all the blog I set out to write. I was going to say more about my awesome classes but I think it will make this post entirely too long so I'll save that for another time. Now I really need to get to writing my resume so I can get the fuck back to Haiti.

P.S. Does it take away from the legitimacy of this post that while writing it I've been listening to the "Tell Me When to Go" Pandora station which includes gems such as "Back That Thing Up" by Juvenile, "Smack That" by Akon and "Disco Inferno" by 50 Cent?

There will always be excuses

I feel like I keep making excuses for not working on more of my January goals but I have a good one this time; I scratched my cornea on Saturday morning and spent the weekend in the dark because my eyes were too light sensitive to be around any light. Awesome right? I had so many things planned to do over the weekend and I just failed at them all. Full disclosure: It probably is my fault I scratched my cornea. I drank too much on Friday night and slept in my contacts and then had to peel them off eye extremely dry eyes in the morning. So my bad. Good news is that after spending 3 hours in the ER just waiting in a dark room with my eyes watering, they gave me antibiotic eye drops and vicodin. More good news, I am finally over the ear infection/cold thing I've been fighting for almost 3 weeks now! I'd say my health is back to like 90% of what it used to be and I'm ready to move the fuck on.

Things I've done this week to get a move on:

• E-mail a woman with Metro Family Services about volunteering with their after school child care/homework help program.
• E-mail my aunt about volunteer connections she has.
• Bought a French activity book which I subsequently left in someones car but will get back soon!
• Used my planner.
• Answered most of my e-mails. 

Things I've done this week that probably set me back:

• Drank too much on Friday and Tuesday.
• Started watching a marathon of the British show Shameless.
• Downloaded new time sucking apps for my phone.
• Spent too much time thinking about being under qualified.

Five steps forward, four steps back. At least I'm being honest. 

Got a long e-mail from the boy on Saturday which was very exciting since he does not always have a chance to write very much. It was also intimidating because every time I talk to him or read his longer e-mails, I realize more how freaking incredible, smart and thoughtful he is and I start feeling under-qualified for him too. I am sure he doesn't see me that way but it is a huge insecurity for me which I am trying to work on. I know I need to change my way of thinking to "how awesome it is that we are both awesome people who have so much to learn from each other." I'm also jealous that he is already where I want to be doing the kind of things I want to be doing. Fuel to my "getting-shit-done" fire I guess.

Also the fabulous Christa started a facebook thread with me, Abby, and Alex which is fantastic. They are a group on ladies I am amazingly lucky to know. They are all so driven and dedicated to everything they do. I love hearing about all the things they are doing from working in Haiti to starting a scholarship fund for Haitian kids to raising a family (and trying to add to it!!). Thanks ladies for adding to my inspiration!

Goals for the rest of this week/weekend:

• Being writing internship essays without putting pressure on myself to make them perfect. Just write whatever I feel like writing about and improve them later.
• Spend at least 2 hours working on French.
• Run a DARS report for both of my majors and map out my last 5 terms of school.
• Do not get excessively drunk at Claire's birthday party on Friday.
• Finish my readings for my classes for the week.
• Go on a hike. (weather permitting)
• Hang out with Bri & Gio & kiddos.
• Write more in this blog about my awesome classes/awesome book I'm reading.

Specific goals. Things I can check off the list. Things are looks up this week!

A New Year

So we are 5 days into the new year and I am finally getting over an epic 2 week long ear infection/cold which makes me feel like the new year has actually started for me. To start this new year off I have a confession to make; I am terrified of growing up. I may talk a good game about all the things I want to do and places I want to see and differences I want to make but, the truth is, I am scared shitless of the future.
The following things are the most troublesome to me:

• I feel totally unprepared for the career I want.
• I am too comfortable with the life I currently lead.
• I am totally afraid of failing or being rejected from just about anything.
• I will have to pay off my student loans after I graduate.
• I will have to deal with my credit score at some point.
• In an attempt to take classes that fit around my work schedule, I have ended up taking classes that are largely useless to the type of career I want.
• There are a thousand people in the world more qualified than me to do everything I want to do.
• I am a terrible speller.
• I need to learn French. Soon.

These are all things I've known for a long time but I have never really thought about dealing with these fears until now. There are many things giving me motivation right now. Some of it comes from the fact that I will be graduating from college in the foreseeable future. Some of it come from seeing my best friends starting their real "adult" lives. Some of it comes from falling a little bit in L with a boy who already has his shit together. (Additionally, he is one of the greatest things to happen to my life thus far.) Some of it comes from my 24th birthday being next month and 24 seems like a reasonable age to start ones adult life. 

I know I am not alone in feeling scared about leaving my (nearly) carefree young adult years but often times I feel that way. I think maybe writing about my fears and struggles with this whole growing up thing will help me stay motivated and honest with what is going on in my life. I like to think about future a lot but I always skip over the "working hard to make things happen" part and go straight to the "look at all the awesome cool things I will be doing" part. 

So these are my goals for January:

• Apply for internships with Partners in Health, Coalition for Community Health Clinics, and any other health related internships I can find.
• Talk to the study abroad program about the senior capstone in Nicaragua.
• Practice French 4 times a week for an hour at a time.
• Finish The Stealth of Nations and Health Care Co-Ops in Uganda.
• Pay my taxes.
• Find somewhere to volunteer.
• Cut down on nights spent drinking too much.

Seems doable, right? These were my purchase from the last week or so which will assist my goals. Fun!